


Lost

by King_Of_Trash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I was anxious and this happened, M/M, Negative Thoughts, Somebody help Oikawa, really cheesy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8639623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/King_Of_Trash/pseuds/King_Of_Trash
Summary: Hiding his true feelings was a skill Tooru Oikawa learned over the years. It was not always effective, and he still needed to work on his anger, but that was a problem for another time. As long as he was able to hide his sadness and replace it with an outer layer of happiness, he would be fine. As long as he appeared to be happy most of the time, as long as he never showed sadness, he would be fine.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is really cheesy and I'm really sorry, yet not sorry about that. Also, the characters are probably so OOC I'm sorry-  
> Honestly, I was having a rough day and got really panicky and I just wrote this short thing up to help with my own stress and then I thought, why not share it and see how it goes?  
> I also took advantage of it to add in a couple of my sad headcanons revolving around Oikawa.  
> Oh yeah, I did some poor editing on this as well so I'm sorry about that too.

Hiding his true feelings was a skill Tooru Oikawa learned over the years. It was not always effective, and he still needed to work on his anger, but that was a problem for another time. As long as he was able to hide his sadness and replace it with an outer layer of happiness, he would be fine. As long as he appeared to be happy most of the time, as long as he never showed sadness, he would be fine.

Losing to Karasuno was a shock to Oikawa. Everything he had worked for, all those dreams he had, they were all crushed all because of one lost. He blamed himself for their lost. _He_ was their captain. _He_ was their setter. _He_ should have been there when _his_ team needed _him_ . It was all _his_ fault.

He was pretty good at locking everything away until the very lost moment. He managed to make it off the court without crying, unlike many of the others. In fact, not even a single tear fell as he left the gym and entered the bathroom. He was able to stay strong for so long. However, his breathing was beginning to sharpen.

Anxiety. It was a disgusting _disorder_ Oikawa suffered. It would peak its ugly head out whenever he felt Lost, and he certainly felt lost right now. He lost everything. Everything was lost. That was what it felt like when you failed to achieve a long awaited dream. He ran into a stall, slamming the door close and quickly locking it. He managed to just barely close the toilet lid, and stumbled while trying to sit down on it. He buried his fingers into his hair, scratching at his scalp as breathing became a challenge.

His fingernails dug into the skin on his scalp, gripping his brunette hair as he began to cry. Tears were streaming down his face, his breathing was hitched. There was no way to stop this attack now, but thankfully no one else was in the bathroom. As long as he was not seen, he would not be found out for certain by another. He did not want to be seen in such a weak state.

That was right, he was weak. He was pathetic. He could not do anything right. He was a loser for losing to _Kageyama_. He was not even a good person in general. He was a bully, a horrible being. He failed his team. It was all his fault. He was ugly. He was disgusting. He deserved to die.

These thoughts would not go away, they continued to pop up as he continued to cry. His breathing sounded horrible as he hunched over, almost burying his face between his knees. His stomach hurt, his vision was blurry, he was becoming dizzy, everything hurt. This was all because he failed his team. He was the reason they lost, no one else was to blame. It was only _him_.

It was _him_ , all _him_ . He lost to Kageyama, he did not have a chance against Ushijima now. He was not going to the nationals ever. He would not even have a chance at it. Failure, it was a disgusting thing. It made you feel like shit, it was the very reason Oikawa had these episodes. It was all because of failure, because he was not _good enough_ . He would _never_ be _good enough_.

He began to make a hiccup-like noise as he began to hyperventilate. Only Iwaizumi was aware of these episodes, or attacks. They were the very reason Iwaizumi scolded him for working himself too hard back in junior high school. Ah yes, Junior high. That was when all of these attacks started happening. He would constantly panic when he was not good enough, and whenever Iwaizumi would drag him out of the gym, he would panic. He would panic all because he was being forced to stop practicing. He knew Iwaizumi meant well, but practicing helped calm him down, allowed him to let out stress. He _needed_ to practice to be calm.

Losing to Kageyama was like a nightmare. Oikawa could only pray that this all really was a dream and that the match had yet to begin. But he knew that was not the case. He knew that was only wishful thinking, and not at all realistic. He was fully awake, and he knew it. Kageyama, that shrimp, the loser team of Karasuno had beaten him during his last year of high school. His volleyball career was over for high school, and  he would be lucky to join a good college team. Way to end the year, losing to a team which was once a failing team.

His fingernails dug deeper and deeper into his scalp, he was almost positive he could feel skin break, but he was too numb to check. All these thoughts only made his hyperventilating worsen as he began to sway back and forth. Swaying did little to nothing, but he for whatever reason believed that it may help calm him down at least a little bit before someone else entered the bathroom and heard him. He was not going to be forced to explain everything, that would be embarrassing and devastating to his ego.

_Stupid Tooru, idiot Tooru, you’re such a failure. I can’t believe you could let this happen, why do you even exist? You should never play volleyball ever again. If it were not for you, Iwa-chan could have won. Are you even worthy to call him your friend? Perhaps you should call him ‘Iwaizumi’ from now. He has so much potential and you ruin his shine. You stand in the way of his light, trying to make it all about you. What a horrible person. Maybe you’re the King, not Kageyama. You’re the one at fault. You’re the one who pushed Kageyama to begin with. It was all you. You’re at fault Tooru. You’re disgusting, Tooru. How will you ever face your team again? What about Iwaizumi? He’ll hate you. They’ll hate you. Because you’re the reason their ambitions were crushed._

Those damn voices again. This whispering in his head, constantly degrading him, constantly calling him trash. The sad factor was, he believed them. He believed every damn sickening word they uttered about him, because they were never wrong. He believed them, yet, why did he want them to shut up so badly?

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” he screamed at the top of his lungs between gasps of breath. He was beginning to rock back and forth even more rapidly. “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, please!” he was screaming, and he could not stop himself. It was likely someone was already in the men’s bathroom, listening to every word he said, watching every movement he made, and he was completely unaware of it.

And he was right. Beneath all the screaming, gasps for breath, and crying he heard foot steps. Maybe they were just his imagination, he hoped they were just his imagination. If it was Iwaizumi he would be scolded for running away. If it was anyone else, especially someone from another team, he would be mocked. There was no win for him.

  
This could be a never ending cycle. He would calm down for the most part, only to suddenly start another anxiety attack because these thoughts would not leave him alone. In many cases he wanted help and support, however, hearing the same words over and over only frustrated him. "Breathe", "calm down and breathe", "I'm not going to leave you", all of those cliches. They never helped, only frustrated him further because what if they have no choice but to leave? What if he can not breathe? What if they became sick of his shit and gave up on him? What if they were already sick of him because of these attacks? Even more thoughts would spring up in Oikawa's brain and he would become even worse.

  
"P-please.., st-stop..," he choked out in between breaths. These damn thoughts, they would leave him alone. Why could he not live a normal life? Like all the others? Why was he like this? Nobody would expect it with his extroverted, happy, flirty personality, but he was so insecure. He knew he was a jerk as well. Well, maybe "jerk" was an understatement, but he knew he was a bad person. If he knew how to change it, maybe he would.

He wanted to change for the best, he really did, but he did not know how. He wanted to change everything. He hated his personality, his physical appearance was nice, but he felt as if he could look better. Plus, what was the point in looking nice when your personality was total shit? The girls may like him for it for a short while, but after he brought out his true colors, they would leave. They would always leave.

He was becoming worse and worse. His stomach hurt so bad, his head felt fuzzy, his eyes ached despite being closed most of the time, his throat was dry, his mouth was dry, and worst of all, he could not get rid of these negative thoughts. His swaying back and forther became faster and faster as his breathing became faster. The toilet lid he sat on was beginning to make a noise as it, somewhat, moved along with him.

It was almost no surprise when he fell off of the seat and onto the floor, hitting his head in the process as he landed on the floor. “O-ow..,” he whimpered. He felt worse now, but due to his body being so numb, he could not bring himself to get up. Maybe it was a fitting position for him, on the floor of a men’s bathroom like the filth he was. Maybe this was his punishment. These damn anxiety attacks or whatever they were called.., they would be the end of him.

“Oikawa..? Is that you?”

His body went cold. There was someone else in here with him, and they could easily see him from his placement on the floor. He could not bring himself to stand up, he could come up with some stupid lie, he could not even talk. All he did was lay there, his body continued to joint as he took deep breaths in attempt to calm himself now. However, whenever he forced himself to be calm, he only become more and more anxious and the attack became worse.

“Are you okay? What’s going on?”

He recognized the voice as well, so hearing concern only shocked him. This guy, he did not care about him. He was not suppose to. Oikawa hated him, and has even told him that. So why? Why was he worried? Why did he care that he was laying on the floor? He should mock him, should he not? Why care? Why worry? He gasped for air, only to breathe in some type of dust and began to choke. He could not breathe, was this how he was going to die? Because of an anxiety attack? All because he lost a damn volleyball match? And in front of _him_ of all people?

Some way to go out.

Suddenly, the stall door opened. He thought for sure he locked it, then again many of these stall doors never worked very well. He may have chosen a busted one. It did not matter anymore, though. He stared up at the man who had opened the door. He could not move other than the joints and shaking the attack caused him. He did not even know if he could find a way to speak to this man, especially not right now.

However, he tried his damn hardest to speak.

“U-ushi-us-”

“I don’t really know what got you to this point, but I’m sorry,” the other kneeled down next to the trembling brunette. His eyes strangely showed sympathy, yet not pity. No where did Oikawa find any pity, no matter how hard he looked. He expect mockery of some kind, but there was none of that within Ushijima’s presence.

What Ushijima did next shocked Oikawa even more. The other pulled Oikawa up onto his lap, allowing Oikawa’s chin to rest on his shoulder. Chocolate brown eyes widened as Ushijima began to run his fingers through his hair in, what he assumed, to be an attempt to calm him down. He did not expect this, any of this. If anything, he expected mockery of some type, any type. Anything but kindness, especially from Ushijima.

He could feel his body begin to strangely relax little by little. He was able to speak a lot more easier now as his breathing began to slow to its usual pace. Of course he was still shaking quite a bit, but even that was beginning to ease.

“U-ushiwaka, w-why?” was all he was able to stumble out from his shocked state. He could feel himself slowly begin to drift. Playing with his hair, it made him want to melt, no matter who it was playing with it. Of course, normally he would hate for someone to mess it up, so he rarely allowed others to touch it. However, after playing a game of volleyball as well as falling onto the floor and hitting his head, his hair was already a mess.

“You were panicking, weren’t you? I thought I should try to help,” Ushijima replied simply. Despite his vague reply, it made Oikawa smile a bit as his breathing became normal. His eyes closed, burying his face into Ushijima’s shoulder.

He was about to fall asleep, about to fall asleep in Ushijima’s arms. And for whatever reason, that was okay with him. He felt safe in this position, like those horrifying thoughts earlier could not hurt him.

He was unsure of how Ushijima managed to do it. Maybe because he was so calm? Because he did not force Oikawa to ‘breathe’? Because of his strangely warm presence? Oikawa could not say, but he felt safe.

Perhaps he thought too lowly of Ushijima this whole time. Perhaps Ushijima was a much better person than Oikawa could ever be. Perhaps Oikawa was the bad guy this whole time.

Whatever the case may have been, Oikawa felt safe. He felt so much safer than he has felt in so long, and he was not going to move anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, that ending is really cheesy, but I kind of like it? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story! Thank you for reading!


End file.
